So Help Me: Smooth Operator Edition

A TMI post, perhaps a bit on the tacky side--not your typically sedate and mature Landscaping fare. I fear I might embarrass both of us before it's all over. How to put this? I've gone into the smoothie business. Not permanently, you understand, but just for three days...after which time I firmly and solidly intend to be back in the crunchy business.

This is Day One of prep for a diagnostic screening familiar to anyone over fifty. Which I am unaccountably reluctant to name, so I'll hint obliquely: ends with oscopy and starts with an internally coiled and providentially tucked body part, the terminus of which reminds us of the governor of Wisconsin. The discreetly tucked up location of said organ incidentally provides the ultimate and final proof of divine creation of mankind, because evolution, a more scientific endeavor by all accounts, just isn't that fastidious and might have allowed the whole apparatus to hang about just anywhere.



The prep sheet for my pending procedure was written by the same folks who concoct assembly instructions for kiddie cars in nine different languages. Either I am to follow the 2 Day Diet that includes smooth and creamy custards, puddings, mashed potatoes and "scanned supplements," whatever those are,  for two of three days, OR a clear liquids only, no red, blue, or purple diet for two days prior to procedure, specifically excluding any cream-based foods. I've arbitrarily gone with the smooth and creamy option today, because it allows for blender creativity.

At the moment, I'm enjoying a Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc smoothie. Does it show? Try to keep up. A little alcohol on an all but empty stomach causes me to write like Bill Bryson.

Reading on in our prep sheet, it says I am to drink half of the gallon of prescribed nastiness the night before, and then arise at 3:00 a.m. to take the remainder of the gallon. And they've thrown in some milk of magnesia  in the middle of the sequence somewhere, but I'm danged if can make out when or why. Uh-oh; I was not to have eaten any nuts, popcorn, peas, or beans starting two days ago. Automatic fail, since all of those foodstuffs constituted the core of my intake yesterday. Unfortunately, I didn't pull out my paperwork until last night. I have become a C- student before I've even taken the test. But, at least, I was to have stopped my arthritis meds, all of which have some anti-coagulant side effects, on the day before yesterday, which means I get to sort this all out against a backdrop of nagging joint discomfort for which I am already late.

White wine is a clear liquid, too. Praise be.

I don't recall that others have run quite this gauntlet for what's advertised as a wellness check. I thought this was supposed to be a one-day torture experience, not a three day self-sacrifice. Why the change? I can only conclude that some naughty scopees, storied at the annual Proctologists' Ball, were incapable of following instructions and the medical profession has decided to get even. Not a very relaxing thought. I understand there's been a movement, so to speak, toward un-anesthetized scopes. No, thank you very much. I seriously doubt I could loosen up sufficiently and, anyway, I'm rather looking forward to a legitimate excuse for twilight sedation; it's about the only way I can imagine getting through the whole thing sedately and, besides, I understand people say funny things under partial sedation, so I've been rehearsing my alimentary punchlines.

The Vienna Opera State Ball

Speaking of smooth operators, there were some in attendance at the Vienna State Opera Ball, which was meant to be the ultimate in European elegance. Frommer's website describes the Opera Ball thusly:

Desiree Treichl-Stuergkh

"The glamorous Vienna Opera Ball, held at the State Opera, is a tête-à-tête for some 5000 international socialites, and the highlight of Vienna's long ball season. If you can't waltz, there's also a swing, foxtrot and Opera Ball disco.

As you can probably imagine, competition for tickets is fierce and you can only apply for them in writing or by fax (and not by email). It's best to apply as early as possible, even as soon as the day after the previous year's ball. Don't be surprised if you are added to a waiting list, and, if you are one of the lucky few, you'll receive a letter by post telling you that you've been successful. If you don't want to fork out hundreds of euros then there is a dress rehearsal held every year (2 March in 2011) where tickets are a snip in comparison."

A traditionally classy, staid, old money sort of event for the beautiful people. Merchant-Ivory doings. Movie set stuff.  Personally, I like to think there are some institutions that are safe from the tackiness that now pervades and defines American culture, don't you?

Bunga-Bunga! Larry Hagman, Berlusconi's
Ruby The Heartbreaker, and  Richard Lugner

But for the likes of smooth operator Richard Lugner, who can't resist flaunting his new money sensibilities in the face(s) of Desiree Treichl-Stuergkh , the Opera Ball's very proper and sedate organizer whose name sounds a bit like my tummy tonight, all might have gone as smoothly at The Vienna Opera as these things are meant to go. 

The AFP reports,

"Ruby", the young woman at the heart of a sex scandal involving Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, will attend this year's Vienna Opera Ball, entrepreneur Richard Lugner announced Tuesday.

"We have just signed the contract," said the Austrian, who notoriously invites a starlet to accompany him to the ball every year.

In recent years, the 78-year-old, who briefly starred in his own reality television show, secured the company of British tabloid darling Katie Price, Baywatch stars Pamela Anderson and Carmen Electra, striptease queen Dita von Teese, and US socialite Paris Hilton.

This year however, Austrian tabloids chronicled his failure to get his first two choices as guests before picking US actress Bo Derek, whom he then dropped after she apparently made too many demands.

If all goes according to plan, Moroccan-born pole dancer Karima El Mahroug, nicknamed "Ruby the Heart Stealer," will now join Lugner in his loge alongside former "Dallas" actor Larry Hagman.

Opera Ball organiser Desiree Treichl-Stuergkh however has already hit out at Lugner's latest guest.

"This is the biggest embarrassment that Mr. Lugner has ever made. It's sad, humiliating and disrespectful," she said, threatening to cancel his loge next year.

Of course, being seen at this stately event is just too tempting for professional flaunters of convention...

Last year's Lugner invitee, British model Katie Price, with her 
friend Irene Mayer (R) at the Vienna State Opera Ball. Is it  
the lighting or do their arms look a little funny, a` la Gaga?

All of which  forces Desiree Treichl-Stuergkh to put a brave face on it...

Desiree Treichl-Sturgkh at Vienna Opera Ball

Sometimes, you just have to relax, loosen up and go with it.

So, help me with this: Despite a good twenty minutes of slightly boozy research, I could not ascertain whether Berlusconi attended the Vienna Opera Ball this year or in any years previous. If not, what a pity. Looks right up his alley to me.